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Monday, March 12, 2007

HOW TO: Get What You Want Using Sex

filed under: HOW TO: by Melissa Gira

We here at Sexerati come down in favor of using sex for whatever we want to: for pleasure, for adventure, for a good story to tell later. Rather than hold sex on some cherished pedestal, only to be brought down amongst the common folk for certain special occasions, we’d rather dispense with the pedestal altogether. Nobody owns sex, and nobody has the power to endow sex with a single meaning to which all potential users must be held. That’s certainly it, isn’t it: we’re users. A dirty word, with some dark truth to it.

Really, when it comes to sex, as Carrie Bradshaw most certainly never said, are we not all users?

Here, then, is a user’s guide to using sex to get what you want:

Companionship. Place an ad and observe: you just won’t find as many people to choose from if you confine yourself to ‘strictly platonic’ as you will if you gleefully slut (it’s a verb) your horizons into ‘casual encounters.’ Even if you feel nervous about how much of a good lay you can be when you feel a little needy to begin with, sex itself can be your icebreaker.

Worldly experience. Whether it’s an ill-fated hookup in an expat saloon, or some interesting new slang for a sex act you learned while enjoying said sex act, even the most awkward, unsatisfying fuck can become an amusing anecdote with which to enrich your jet set image, or with which to procure more adventurous sex in the future.

Validation. We all want to feel sexy, at least every once in a moon or planetary cycle or something. Feeling wanted by another human being can be just the cure for what self-esteem woes ail you. Sure, maybe it’s not textbook “healthy,” but as far as ego boosts go, it’s relatively harmless. Try to hook up with someone who gets off most on getting others off, or who is particularly wordy in bed.

Power. Sexual power itself goes discounted far too often: that is, the power in knowing what you want, how you want it, and how to get and give it, too. Giving yourself space to revel in that gift is nothing to knock. Prime partners in savoring sexual power are usually show-offs of a stripe, but be on the lookout for the shy ones who positively smolder with sexual heat, as well.

Status. Is it really, totally unfeminist to go “screwing up the ladder”? On the one hand, trading on your sexual power for other kinds of credibility can be terrible and messy. On the other, men are so rarely accused of sleeping to the top, so what does that say about the real sin here? To both camps, we ask, what’s so wrong with being someone to brag about having been with?

Relaxation. Some people get positively anxious after a nice fuck, but most of us just crave an honest snuggle, maybe a hot towel, or a tall drink and a brunch recommendation, thank you. You don’t have to be an ultra-hedonist to just let go of the outside world in bed, but finding someone who lives alone and in proximity of a good mimosa doesn’t hurt.

Money. We’re former sex workers, so there will be no pandering to the “oldest profession” rhetoric here to make compensated sex seem terribly uncontroversial. Really, an on-date acceptance of dinner, cab fare or a good old “tip for the powder room” means you’re an amateur only on a technicality.

Catharsis. Bad day? Bad week? Bad adolescence? It’s tricky and a little risky, too, but fucking through the sorrow is sometimes the most effective way through. If you’re the kind of person who is waiting to be “perfect” or “healed” or “okay” before you have sex again, this approach might not be so wise. But ask yourself, what are you holding out for? Bringing your whole pained package to bed might not only take the edge off, but bring you to a whole new edge of yourself. Breathe, release, repeat.

Entertainment. Bored? Do-it-yourself, ladies and gentlemen, and create your own good time to be had by all. Remember Webvan and Kozmo.com, who’d send over a pint of Soy Dream or Stella, a copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and some dimestore lube, too? Oh, if only.

Pleasure. And by pleasure, we don’t just mean, orgasm. We mean, getting warm all over. That beautiful rush of light-headedness, light-body-ness. That electricity and that slip of a tear in your eye, even if you don’t know her well enough yet, or maybe, just because you don’t know him well enough yet. Fuck for all of that, too.

So go ahead. Use sex. Sexual pleasure will only make us all richer when we embrace it truthfully as user-generated.

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