Friday, April 20, 2007
The Chasing Amy Effect
filed under: Love & Other Glitches by Lux Nightmare
I was fourteen the first time I saw Chasing Amy.
Fourteen, a sophomore in high school, living in Buffalo.
I don’t think I fully appreciated the movie at the time. I liked it, sure, but a whole lot of it went over my head. A lot of it didn’t really resonate: couldn’t really resonate, because I didn’t have any experiences to compare the movie to. It was a fantasy, a (sad) love story, a movie.
It’s been almost ten years since I saw Chasing Amy. Not surprisingly, a great deal has changed about my life in those ten years: at twenty-four, I’m an accomplished sex educator and former altporn star with more than a few sexual experiences under my belt. And every time I launch myself into the world of dating, every time I meet someone I really like, I find my thoughts turning back to the tale of Chasing Amy.
For those who haven’t seen the movie, the plot line is relatively simple: straight boy meets lesbian. Straight boy falls for lesbian. After some drama and negotiation, straight boy dates lesbian… and eventually learns that, in spite of her lesbian identity, she’s got an extensive history of heterosexual sex, including some group sex experience. Straight boy freaks out, relationship goes down the tubes. The end.
Years ago, at a family function, I found myself chatting up my cousin’s cousin. We’d bonded as teenagers, and I felt as though I had some kind of connection with him: this may have been why I told him that I was in an open relationship.
I immediately regretted revealing that piece of information. His face changed, and I could tell he was reevaluating his opinion of me. “You know,” he said, “Guys don’t like girls who are too experienced.”
So I’ve been told.
I’m of two minds about discussing my sexual history with potential partners. On the one hand, I believe in honesty: and the idealistic part of me wants to say that anyone who would judge me based on my past is not worth dating. The idealistic part of me wants to say that “the one” will be able to accept me, regardless of what I’ve done, regardless of the places I’ve been.
On the other hand: I’m terrified that I’ll meet “the one”… and “the one” won’t be able to handle the number of notches on my bedpost, “the one” will think I’ve taken it one kink too far, “the one” will be all sorts of hung up on things I did when I was eighteen and self-destructive, things I haven’t even thought about in years.
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I will stand strong on this point: anyone worth their salt will be able to separate the past from a possible future together. If they disapprove of your experiences, they were probably - consciously or not - looking for disqualifiers. If you can’t be open about your sex life with your partner, what else will get shoved in the closet?
Having said that, there is most certainly the issue of timing. If you’ve had a wild ride it’s probably best to leave the more sordid details out until a solid intimacy has been built. There may be things that should be left unsaid, depending on the couple - but I think you can gauge this over time, getting to know someone and how they react to sexuality. In general, I think, the fewer skeletons in the closet, the better.
I would guess that a lot of the time, when someone is freaked out about their partner’s erotic history, there’s more than a little jealousy involved. What better way to bring someone closer than by enticing them with a sexy story - and then surprising them with another go-round? Do them better this time out, with all the advantages of life experience firmly under the belt…
A gal wrote me not so long ago asking for advice. Her boyfriend wanted her to have a threesome. She had some in the past with other men. She regretted them (was drunk, felt pressured etc…). The boyfriend’s argument was that he felt it was wrong that she shared the threesome experience with another man. It was only fair that she have one with him. She was not at all interested. It was her past and she did not want to repeat it.
Not quite the Chasing Amy story or one about more and less experience. But it does say something about people resenting someone else’s past as well as having feelings of entitlement. All rather depressing.
I have the same problem. It’s really difficult to weed people out; even when they are into you they have a hard time with their own insecurities.
Javina, I’ve missed you; please stick around.
Seska, what does it say for those of us who’ve had ‘wild’ pasts (and presents), that once we do start to amass experience, we learn that one sex act, one circumstance, one person even can’t be neatly weighed against the other?
Brian, that’s well-reasoned, and I wish it always went so well in bed as that. I’ve got a yen for erotic messiness and awkwardness when it comes to past-rehashing; that is, knowing that it won’t be easy, or simple, and relishing that. We all have pasts, even those of us who don’t think of ourselves as ‘experienced.’ Unraveling and meshing pasts with another takes rare skill.
Or, as a few someones have said to me recently, ‘Intimacy is a hardcore kink.’
Melissa, I love that: “Intimacy is a hardcore kink.” Indeed. Also, just have to say, I love Chasing Amy. I haven’t seen it in ages but could watch it any time. I think the funny/ironic thing about this dilemma is indeed that, at least in my experience, sex doesn’t always equal intimacy, but people think that sex and the physical should be the big measurement, not the other way around. I also just don’t think a number can ever do justice to what sex means to each of us; it’s all so different, and honestly, some sex I’ve had I’ve pretty much blocked out of my head, and some people who I never got to sleep with continue to haunt me, so what does that mean?
Lux, great post and very interesting (if maddening at times) topic. I think, too, for those of us who have some of that sexual history “out there,” it robs us of the chance to do the slow reveal (or not). I don’t regret being public about my sex life but sometimes I wish I could momentarily magically erase some of the publicness, at least until the person gets to know the real me a bit.
“You know,” he said, “Guys don’t like girls who are too experienced.”
a) What an idiot
b) fine, more for me, who does like girls who’re “too” experienced.
The fear that men would judge me for sleeping around kept me from enjoying myself for over a year, until I met the person I consider to be the man of my dreams, and he told me to loosen up, what people think is not my problem.
I still worry though, I think of myself comparatively to my friends, and when I want to be promiscuous I try and go back to the same people I’ve been with before, saying to myself “At least it isn’t another number.” Most of the people I spend time with are more promiscuous than I am. But the ones who are in serious relationships are mostly less. I sometimes want that, but I never admit it, I just claim “I am flawed if I’m not free.” And forget it.
I will probably lie to the person I meet someday and fall in love with, because my dream man doesn’t want me, and I can’t anticipate many other men I get involved with encouraging me to be promiscuous.
Melissa- it’s true that there are lots of intangibles, and rationality is rarely at the forefront of the mind when emotions and sex become involved. I guess my point is this - why would anyone want to waste their time with someone who thinks that you’re a ’slut’ and looks down on you because of an erotic, rich, and varied sexual experience? They’re not worth your time! Like Josh says - idiot! To me, that person could *never* be “the one.”
Better to find someone that can handle it, and will be turned on by it… it may not be easy, and it will get messy and uncomfortable at times. But it’s way more fun to get over it, and think of your partner’s wilder/crazier sexual past as (potentially) a delicious opportunity.
“You know,” he said, “Guys don’t like girls who are too experienced.”
I hate this mindset. It implies there is this magic metric of sexuality somewhere that determines who is “experienced” and who is “too experienced”. A big color-coded chart or something. Bullshit.
I think being open about your sexual history is an amazingly intimate and honest thing to share with a partner. There’s a scene in “Chasing Amy” where Jason Lee and Joey Lauren Adams are comparing sexual collateral damage. I’ve shared moments like that with some of my partners and it’s really liberating to speak that honestly, that free of jealousy and fear of comparison.
If you can get to the point where sharing your sexual past with your partner can make for funny/hot/interesting/moving stories I think that’s a wonderful thing.
The mindset of not liking someone because they’re too experienced just annoys me. But I know that it does exist, and I also don’t think that everyone is entitled to your sexual history. I can understand the intimacy and wanting to share and I really want total honesty in my relationships, but you are also not obligated to tell all. And especially not to tell all to everyone. You can if you want to, but if it’s not someone who will stick around, I say why bother.
Hey, Lux, it’s your life and you shouldn’t have to apologize for it. I doubt your “one” would have the same issue as your cousin. Peace.
[…] Good , BackStory , Process , Outings , Funnies I’ve only had sex with X people and this is still an issue. Only five have had less experience but it almost always comes up as a bad thing. It’s like […]
I had similar fears when I was your age, approximately a decade ago. By the time another ten years goes by, you’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone who doesn’t have a bit of experience under his or her belt.
There’s a double-standard in society with regard to female sexuality. All you have to do is read up on all the “abstinence-only” sex education, and you’ll find that a lot of it plays on young women’s fears of their worth with regard to sex. It gets perpetuated in that, and many other insidious ways.
In short, to hell with anyone who would judge you harshly for having lived a life, and continue to be safe.
p.s. Saw Chasing Amy with my ex-boyfriend who was a penciller, and his friend, an inker.