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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The 10 Reasons Why Sex Nerds Make Better Lovers

filed under: Erotic Elite by Melissa Gira | 3 Comments

Generally speaking, we still heart Wired after thirteen and some-odd years, but what’s tired: yet another missive on the sexiness of geeks that neglects to mention sex’s own geeks: sexologists, sex educators, cultural historians of sex, sexual social scientists, and nerdy sexbloggers (just saying). True, geeks need to raise their sex flag high and reclaim their true slutty powers as part and parcel of the other weird hacker behavior they’ve got going on around things sex, but I mean, if the Times this week can sing love songs and write porny prose on the glory that is the study of sex, we ought to at least do one better as sex nerds and offer up our own (hopefully soon-to-be-tired) list:

Sex nerds are too busy reading Baudrillard to sign up for Second Life. Does knowing how to get your avatar laid really bear so much on having great physical sex? The Late Great Jean would know — but also, being able to chat post-coitally about post-structural analyses of seduction and signification? More, please.

Sex nerds do it self-referentially. The crop of pornos out now featuring sex researchers (The Bi Apple, In Search of the Wild Kingdom) reveal the double-hotness in how to apply the finest in field study to the finest of fucking; that is, sex nerds not only know to do it, they know why they want to do it that way, and, based on a random sampling, how you might want it, too.

Sex nerds need study breaks. Never have the words ‘faculty lounge’ connoted such tense heat…

Sex nerds know how to ask really, really good questions about your sexual history, and when to dispense with the professional veneer and turn ‘Take Dr. Kinsey’s survey’ into a dirty little roleplay.

Sex nerds know the difference between qualitative and quantitative measures. That is, if you’ve been holding out on tabulating your personal sexual metrics (how many, how much, how often), a sex nerd lover can assist you in taking other data into account (how good, how cute, how skilled) and with way less judgment than your (doctor/ex/weird uncle/editor).

Sex nerds value inspiration and innovation in an increasingly sex mad world, whether that’s seeking a quickie bit of calm from the storm of depressing sex news, or getting off as a balm for an abrasively sex-negative graduate committee member, or as a much-needed reminder as to why they got into this whole sex thing to begin with. Just think: your orgasm may be the one to launch a whole new field of erotic studies. No pressure.

Sex nerds take sex seriously but not so seriously that they can’t still get spectacularly messy with sex (though this ’sexologist bed death’ we’ve heard of? Tragic.)

Sex nerds are keen sex educators and can keep things hard and wet even as they are midway into a very practical condom demonstration. (Just don’t get them started on social constructivsm vs. biological determinism, unless you know some Tantric mojo to keep things going for hours. Then again, don’t mention Tantra unless you’re prepared for a lecture on cultural misappropriation and the exotification of sexuality as means by which to further commodify erotic dissatisfaction. Unless…)

Being lovers with a sex nerd is one surefire way to become a sex nerd yourself. This is, after all, how we propagate the species — of more sex smart lovers to choose from.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Of Course MIT Hotties Do It For You

filed under: Do It for Science, We Make Art Not Sex by Melissa Gira | 1 Comment

The Times has been hardcore sexing itself up over the last few days, and their readers are already breathlessly responding:

“There’s a little bit of adrenaline, a puffing of the chest, a bit of anticipatory tongue motion,” said a divorced lawyer in his late 40s.

“I feel relaxed, warm and comfortable,” said a designer in her 30s.

“A yearning to kiss or grab someone who might respond,” said a male filmmaker, 50. “Or if I’m alone, to call up exes.”

“Listening to Noam Chomsky,” said a psychologist in her 50s, “always turns me on.”

No, that’s not over the latest spate of sex articles, but a survey pulled into one on the sociobiology of sexual desire.

Is it perverted to admit that the article itself is wet-making?

According to the sequence put forward in the mid-20th century by the pioneering sex researchers William H. Masters, Virginia E. Johnson and Helen Singer Kaplan, a sexual encounter begins with desire, a craving for sex that arises of its own accord and prods a person to seek a partner. That encounter then leads to sexual arousal, followed by sexual excitement, a desperate fumbling with buttons and related clothing fasteners, a lot of funny noises, climax and resolution (I will never drink Southern Comfort at the company barbecue again).

A plethora of new findings, however, suggest that the experience of desire may be less a forerunner to sex than an afterthought, the cognitive overlay that the brain gives to the sensation of already having been aroused by some sort of physical or subliminal stimulus — a brush on the back of the neck, say, or the sight of a ripe apple, or wearing a hard hat on a construction site and being surrounded by other men in similar haberdashery.

Your science may be suspect, Times (as The Stranger’s blog readers are having their own frenzy over), but your prose?

Pure porn for sex nerds.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Bubble Hotties: Future Johns of America

filed under: Web Sex Index, Bubble Hotties by Lux Nightmare | 1 Comment

There’s a certain type of john that tends to confuse people: the attractive, successful, charismatic young man who somehow ends up patronizing prostitutes; the kind of man who shouldn’t need to pay for sex, yet somehow ends up doing just that.

What many people don’t understand is that the purchase of sex isn’t always about being unable to get laid any other way. What many people don’t understand is that there are men who are perfectly capable of getting sex who still choose to see prostitutes: sometimes because paying a woman for sex feels more honest than picking one up in a bar for a one night stand, sometimes because they want the kind of instant gratification that’s not readily available when you’re not paying for it, sometimes because they want a certain type of woman in their life but can’t put in the time and effort to keep her around.

There’s a certain type of bubble hottie – the type I invariably attract – who is on track to become this kind of john. These are the late bloomers, the boys (and sometimes girls, but usually boys) who didn’t come into their own until long after high school, who discovered sex right around the same time that the market discovered them.

These are the boys who find sex – something long unattainable – suddenly easy and available, who overdose on junk food sex and feel a pang for something more substantial. These are the boys who go out in search of a significant relationship, only to find that their busy schedules – a product of the career that’s made them a hot commodity – prevent them from really engaging with another person, prevent them from investing in the infrastructure required to support something more intimate than simple casual sex.

Men (some men) solicit sex workers because it’s easier; because, in a way, it’s guilt free: a prostitute is there to realize a fantasy, to provide the kind of intensity that’s usually only available after a high level of investment has been made in a relationship – and because a sex worker leaves with cash in hand, there is no need to worry that she’s being cheated, taken advantage of, deprived of some kind of affection that she desperately craves. For those too busy to develop a relationship, yet too uncomfortable to make a life of casual sex, a sex worker provides a kind of middle ground.

I don’t take issue with sex work – on the contrary, I feel that it’s good that prostitutes are there to fill in these gaps, to provide this service for people who do more harm than good when foraging around in the dating pool. But what I wonder about – what maybe makes me a little sad – is the environment that creates these kinds of men.

We watch our bubble hotties with awe, applauding as their careers take off, as their stock prices skyrocket; but we so rarely ask about their emotional wellness, their ability to engage in healthy relationships. We assume that a healthy career means a healthy person, overlooking the fact that an intense focus on succeeding in business can sometimes lead to stunted emotional growth; to an inability to connect, to relate, in an intimate way.

We pressure our bubble hotties to succeed, to become rock stars, and we end up with an army of boys dressed up like men. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Future Johns of America.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Sexerati Interviews: Yuliya

filed under: Erotic Elite, Sexerati Interviews by Lux Nightmare | Leave a Comment

I met Yuliya years and years ago, when I was in my first year at Columbia.  She was a junior, and the president of Conversio Virium, the campus BDSM club.  I thought she was probably the coolest person I’d ever met.  Years down the line, she’s got a fancy degree in health education, works at Planned Parenthood, and runs the sexual health advice blog Ask Yuliya.  I sat down with her recently to talk sex ed, BDSM, and (of course) good sex.

Complete the following sentence: Yuliya is…
hoping to teach you something you didn’t know.

How did you become interested in sex education? What inspired you to pursue that field?
I’m not quite sure when my interest became “formal” so to speak, or formal enough to pursue a degree, but I do know that I’ve always been interested in sex and sexuality. I’ve always thought that it was strange that schools didn’t start sex ed earlier and didn’t go into it deeper. My health class was in 10th grade and the only things covered where body parts, STI’s and pregnancy. I knew there was more to discuss, so I read all I could. People always thought I was more experienced than I was because I knew answers to questions they had and took their concerns with an open mind. Eventually, I just noticed that people came to me with questions and I decided that I had a knack for sex education.

What was the sex ed you got as a child like? Was it mostly from your parents? From school?
My parents, especially my Mom, have always been open about sex. I asked some questions about babies around the age of 6 and I remember my mother explaining everything very calmly and without embarassment. Eventually, I found a copy of the Kama Sutra that my parents had (and a couple of other sex manuals) and I would sneak those books away and read them behind some more innocuous book. When we moved to the U.S., I was in 7th grade, so I think I missed any puberty-type education that schools may have provided. The only other formal class I had was in 10th grade.

What, in your opinion, is the most important thing to teach people about sex?
I want to teach people that sex should be fun for all involved - this is a broad statement, but eventually does include everything from knowing your body/masturbation, to being comfortable with your sexuality, to being safe in order not to worry, to issues of explicit consent, etc.

What was your motivation for starting Ask Yuliya?
I’ve been having some trouble finding a job in sex education, though I am still looking. Meanwhile, I thought I’d try to share my knowledge. I hope eventually people will start asking me questions. There are quite a few relationship advice columns out there, but I haven’t seen many deal with explicit issues of sex, sexuality and sexual health and I think many people can benefit from accurate information, especially since the Bush administration seems to consider abstinence-only education to be a useful tool. I think most of the information in those courses is misleading and very much incomplete. The Internet is a powerful thing - the more correct information out there, the better.

In college, you were a member (and president) of Conversio Virium, the Columbia BDSM club. How did you find out about the club?
I actually stumbled over the Conversio Virium table at the Activities Fair my freshman year. I didn’t really know what BDSM was or what the club was about, but was intrigued. Ever since I can remember, my own sexuality always had elements of bondage and DS in it, though I did not put a name to it. It was great finding a group of people who could discuss these things and teach me more.

What made you want to become president of CV? What was the best thing about the experience? The worst?
My presidency was kind of a fluke. The club was suffering low attendance and the interest was barely there to keep it going. I decided to step in, starting with a vice-presidency in my sophomore year. I really wanted to keep the club going, since I had learned a lot and wanted to meet more people of like mind. The best part was probably the annual Activities Fair, since I got to dress up and show off toys. The worst was probably the beauracracy - the endless papers that needed to be filled out for the budget, the fliers that had to be created, the agendas for meetings and so on.

Did you face any problems on campus after becoming the president of CV? Did anyone treat you differently after learning you were a part of a BDSM club?
I never had one problem. In fact, people were very curious when they found out that I was a member or president of CV. Often, there were teachings moments when I could explain what BDSM was, that it was normal and completely consensual - that yes, some things hurt, but that was part of the fun. Eventually, I found out that people who knew me only marginally knew that I was “that S & M club chick.” It was kind of cute.

Name some common misconceptions about people in BDSM.
People who are into BDSM were abused as children and this is an unhealthy way that they continue to work through their issues. You can tell who is into BDSM because they all dress in black leather and chains. BDSM is only about pain and suffering. I think many people were surprised to find out that someone who looked fairly normal, like myself, could be into something they considered to be deviant and disgusting.

And lastly: what, in your opinion, is the most important part of a healthy sex life?
I think the first ingredient in a healthy sex life is self-knowledge - knowing how one’s body works, what it likes, what are one’s limits and how to stick to them. Second, if this is a sex life with a partner(s), communication is a must. Also, trust is a huge part of being able to relax and enjoy one’s sexual life.

Curious about Yuliya?  Learn more over at Ask Yuliya.