Tuesday, March 20, 2007

HOW TO: Have Awkward Sex


filed under: HOW TO: by Lux Nightmare | 2 Comments

We apologize for the delay in this week’s HOW TO — the editorial staff of Sexerati was busy getting their jet sex on yesterday. Stay tuned for a full report!

The world loves to sing the praises of good sex, and it’s not hard to see why: good sex is, well, good.

What’s never really talked about, however, is how good bad sex can be. Okay, maybe not good, per se, but funny. Amusing. A good source for a story to tell when you’re at a bar, out drinking with friends.

Good sex may inspire sonnets, but awkward, bad sex inspires some of the top grossing comedies of our time.

Foreplay: Foreplay tends to set the tone for the ensuing sexual experience, so a truly awkward experience needs to be awkward from the very start. Not sure how to tell your partner, “Hey, I really like you, and I’m really kinda weird?” You might try:

- Music is known to set the tone for good sex. It’s also good for setting the tone for awkward sex. You might try your luck and just put your iTunes on shuffle, but for true, premeditated weirdness, it’s best to put together a playlist of super sexy tunes: Crispin Glover, King Missile, and Wesley Willis are all tried and true awkward aphrodisiaics.

- Anyone can fumble and look like a fool, but the master of awkward sex carries this move out with a kind of finesse, a certain style. Spice up your clumsy attempts at caressing your partner with some stilted banter. In need of some good lines? While manually stimulating a female partner, repeatedly ask, “Have you gone yet?” Watch her confusion as she slowly works through the realization that, for you, “go” means “come,” not “urinate.”

During the Act: This is, perhaps, one of the most convenient times to slip in a little bit of awkwardness. Not only is it guaranteed to be more than a bit memorable, but if you happen to feel a little weird after the fact, you can always blame your actions on reduced blood flow to the brain.

- Dirty talk is always good. Awkward dirty talk is even better. Consider mentioning: your mom, your partner’s mom, animals, politics, Ron Jeremy, your grandmother, Twitter, the last time you had a condom break, MySpace, babies, your blog. Works like a charm.

- If there’s a condom and a penis involved, wait until the moment just after orgasm. Before the penis has been removed from the orifice of choice, proceed to ask your partner if he or she has ever had a condom fall off. Then proceed to tell the story of how a condom fell off the first time you ever had sex.

Post-coital Awkwardness: To be honest, the post-coital period is the best time for awkwardness. If you get too weird too fast, you might inspire your partner to freak out and leave (thus ending the sex, and any further chances for awkwardness). Once the sex is done, though, they’re stuck: and any weird shit you pull will just leave them with a strange, confused aftertaste. Highly recommended tactics include:

- Immediately after the sex has finished, proceed to wipe down your genitals in front of your partner. It’s even better if you use something not intended for use on skin (like, say, lemon-scented Pledge wipes).

- If your partner is female, spoon her after sex, placing your hand on her lower abdomen. Patting gently, put your lips to her ear and ask, “Is that the baby we just made?” (NB: This one works regardless of orientation. If you’re a boy, it’s creepy. If you’re a girl, it’s just plain weird.)

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