And You Thought Pro Sex Blogging Was An Odd Job
January 23rd, 2006 by Melissa Gira
Pop quiz: after reading this intimate interrogation, who exactly would you conclude that this brazen lad is gainfully employed by?
Q. How have you gone about doing your job?
A. I started out with bestiality fetishes as my specialty. In the course of my research, I checked out Web sites with beautiful women fondling and fucking and sucking horses, snakes, cows, dogs, monkeys, sheep, donkeys, goats, pigs, and occasionally necking with a giraffe or humping a camel. Unlike regular commercial movies that are shown in theaters, online pornography doesn’t include any disclaimers, such as “No animals were harmed during the making of this film.” There are no overseers from the American Humane Society. Nor are there any complaints from People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
Q. So tell me, did you get aroused?
A. Actually, yes, I did, but I was aroused only by the women, not by any of the animals. Later on, though, when I was investigating a whole variety of kinky sites–from female ejaculators who are squirtaholics to tobacco addicts who smoke before, during and after sex–and then I found one that was devoted entirely to women who wear eyeglasses and the men who love to come on them, that is, on the glasses, while they’re being worn, and somehow that really turns me on. I’ve become obsessed with it. I’m seeing a psychiatrist twice a week now. She practices hypnotic age regression, and she took me all the way back to when I was being breast-fed, and my mother wore glasses, and that became associated with sensuality. And now that I understand the cause of my fixation, I can begin to wean myself from it.
If you said, “uh, duh, some pornographers!” you’d not sound too crazy to most. But if you said, “The United States Government, Federal Bureau of Investigation,” you’d be right.
For more no-longer-so-top-secret confessions of a Porn Squad Agent, Paul Krassner’s exclusive has hit HuffPost before its’ run in AVN.